Men who have the relationship they want, learn to decode the meaning in the message from their wife or partner. Men who are disappointed, full of complaints, unhappy and disconnected from their wife or partner don’t even try to figure this out.
There is a story that we love to tell about relationships between men and women.
Woman wants something to happen.
She hints and hopes.
She eventually asks her male partner to do the thing she wants.
He tries to circumnavigate this ask.
He sees she is serious.
He acquiesces.
He doesn’t remember to do, say or be the thing she wanted.
She reminds him gently.
He still doesn’t follow through.
She stops being so gentle.
She speaks up more loudly.
He frames it as nagging.
She doesn’t like doing this but when she is hard on him, he sometimes reacts how she wants.
He finally does it with half of his heart and mind in it.
The outcome is below her expectations.
The cycle begins again when she asks for it to be done differently.
I dislike this story. In fact, I hate this story.
It paints women into the role of nagging, unsatisfied and unavailable wife/partner.
It paints men as unaware, disconnected, avoidant, clueless, lazy and unreliable husband/partner.
It makes for great laughable moments in sitcoms and it makes for thoroughly broken expectations around communication and caring in our relationships.
A lot of us are hip to the damaging impacts of this cycle and narrative. So what do we do?
Women try to curb the amount they speak up for what they want and become complacent, resentful, lose trust and grow in disconnection from their man. No wonder she doesn’t want to get physically intimate very often.
Men either neuter themselves and say things like “If mama ain’t happy…”, or they roll their eyes and complain to their buddies and co-workers about their nagging wife.
I see a better way. I want you to see a better way. I want you to change this cycle and narrative for the next generation and the future of humanity.
Well…maybe the future of humanity is a stretch but I do want you to change this so you can be happier and more fulfilled in the kitchen, living room and the bedroom.
So here is the deal, guys. You have some choices. You can choose to stay in this pattern or you can choose to make some changes. I’ll lay out a few options for change.
First, stop looking at this as nagging.
Start realizing that she is taking an emotional risk to ask for what she wants. Know that you can say “yes”, “no” or you can negotiate a different option. Own your personal agency. Stop giving away so much power.
Begin to see her complaint below the content of the dishwasher, groceries or laundry and start to recognize that she is constantly giving you reminders to be a man of integrity, follow through and of service. Choose to see her desires and reminders as keys to being a better man.
Second, become a man who enjoys
A great man learns to embody leadership in his work life and his home life. He understands that servant leadership is a powerful way to impact and influence the people he wants to lead.
In your relationship, it’s time to look forward to, seek out, anticipate and enjoy ways to nurture and nourish your partner. Love is service. Embrace the attitude of a servant leader and lover. Know that your timely labor is something that you can actually take pride in and learn to enjoy.
Third, become the guy who learns to mine for meaning when your partner speaks up for what she wants.
Anger is great. Sadness is great. Dissatisfaction is great. Why? Because when we are upset, it indicates something is deeply important. When a woman (or anybody in your life at all) is asking for what she wants and it seems like an annoying or arbitrary ask, there is always something much deeper. Something is lurking under the surface that has the capacity to teach you and your partner about how you function together or what is deeply important to her.
Mine for meaning. Ask deeper questions. Get curious instead of being so defensive.
Try to understand why this is important to her. Try to understand why she wants you to do this for her. Embrace that she might have no interest in changing you but that might be what the world has taught her she needs to do to get her needs met.
I’m big on words that work, so try this on.
“Hey honey, I hear you asking for me to stop making those kinds of jokes in front of your mother. I used to take this personally and now I’m choosing to be curious about this. How does it impact you when I make those jokes? What do you feel when I do that? How would you like to feel instead?”
Next time you find yourself complaining to your buddies about the last thing she was nagging about…
I challenge you to take that as an opportunity to look at yourself and what you can learn and gain from her “nagging”. Is it really nudging you to be the man you truly want to be?
How can you turn her “nagging” into you nurturing the relationship?
Love doesn’t have to be the butt of your jokes.
It’s your turn.