Recently I’ve spent lots of energy thinking about new years resolutions. Personally I don’t believe in them and even started a “Top 10 Reasons to Say F**K New Years Resolutions” series on social media.
And I know that so many of us take a look at the New Year as the opportunity to start fresh and create change. As a man who is fascinated by studying, creating and facilitating change, I’m not living my mission if I don’t speak up and help at this time when so many are motivated. As a life coach for men, it’s my duty to share with you the basic infrastructure for change.
Below is a list of all of the things that I’ve personally changed in my life.
1. Quit porn
2. Stopped smoking
3. Almost completely overcome procrastination
4. Cured intense anxiety, negative and fear based thinking
5. Stopped binge eating
6. Overcame social anxiety and awkwardness
7. Stopped nail biting
8. Shifted from EXCESSIVE TV watching to just a few hours a week
9. Quite playing video games
10. Learned to keep an organized and clean home after a life of messiness
11. Stopped spending money to feel good or gain status
12. Overcame serious premature ejaculation
13. Ended erectile dysfunction
14. Learned to thrive after an early and difficult divorce
15. Broke free from co-dependent relationships
16. I’ve learned to talk to women after 30 years of being shy and afraid
17. Left a successful 15-year career
18. Successfully started my own private coaching practice
19. Learned to be patient and compassionate with my family
20. Lost 150 lbs and have kept it off for 5 years
21. From Standard American Diet to only whole natural foods
22. Went vegetarian and then vegan.
23. Started exercising 5 days a week consistently for years
24. Created a consistent meditation practice.
25. Started a 5-year daily gratitude practice.
26. Gotten myself off of several pharmaceuticals for anxiety, depression, ED, acid reflux and more.
27. Created a daily reading habit after not touching a book since school.
28. Created a beautiful, loving, stable and happy romantic relationship after several toxic relationships.
29. Created consistent and daily morning and evening routines.
30. Learned to connect with other men in a deep and intimate way.
31. Have created community of growth-oriented people in my life.
32. Developed deep emotional intelligence.
33. I’ve learned to help others create similar changes.
Looking back at this list it certainly feels like I’m bragging or ego stroking. My truth is that I believe I am extraordinary. When I say that I mean that I don’t think that there is anything special about me at all. I consider myself extra ordinary.
When so many of us struggle to change any one of these in our lives, so how is it possible that an ordinary man has changed 30+ major habits or ways of being? Here are my top tips for creating change in your life. If you follow them, this is the year you will keep your resolutions.
Don’t do New Years resolutions
Do anything but this. Heck if you started…stop for a day and start over. Why? We have created a culture of failure around New Years resolutions. You wouldn’t go to a university that has a 90% drop out rate. You wouldn’t go to a gym that was open about their lack of results for members. So why join a tradition of acceptable failure and lack of results? When you do this you are unconsciously agreeing to give yourself an out.
Commit for the long haul
I don’t mean for this year. I mean for life. Focusing on one year is too short term. Even if you maintain your resolution for a year, what about the rest of your 10 to 90 years on this planet? If it’s important enough to make it on the resolutions list, then make it a life long commitment.
Give yourself permission to “fail” consistently
For decades you’ve been told that “only the strong survive” and you must “use your will power”. Most aren’t wired that way. Permission to fail does not mean you give yourself an out and let yourself off the hook. In fact it is the exact opposite. When you do this, you can make mistakes, fall off the wagon, or have a “hiccup”. Long-term change comes from a series of experiments. An experiment can’t fail; it can only give you valuable data for the next experiment.
Focus on growth as a human and less on specific results
Results orientation is the thief of growth. Goals, tracking progress and even getting excited by results are not a bad thing. However when you are too results oriented you miss the subtle lessons on the path towards the desired change. You also quit too soon. Frequently with clients I’ve seen a break down right before the break through. If you weren’t staying mindful of the secondary and tertiary benefits of your action, if you aren’t celebrating the growth as a human, you’ll probably quit right before you get results. The true gift is being a better human and enjoying life more. Not losing 10 lbs or being able to say, “I read 100 books this year”.
Align your motivation with deeper purpose
When you want to get healthy or limit screen time it does not work to focus on yourself. Figure out why your focus on self, will help others. Align toward that as motivation more so than simple life improvements. For example, I don’t work out to maintain my weight loss. I work out because when I do I am less anxious, more present, think quicker and feel happier. When I feel that way I am more loving, patient, focused, and intuitive and I show up with my greatest capacity to serve others. I’ve made a commitment to be of service in this world as an agent of change. That gets me out of bed at 5am…staying in my 34” waist will never match that motivation.
Create your eco system for success
We cannot create the life that we deeply desire by doing it alone. As humans…we need other humans. My clients, who have the most success, often have friends of family they can model after, are seeing me as a coach and seeing a therapist, they are often in men’s groups or authentic relating groups. They might have a mentor at work. They enroll in-group exercise. They create a community around them that helps them be the person they want to be. All of the most successful people in this world have this system around them. Often it’s hired coaches, trainers, advisors and a “support team”. We can’t all afford the whole team, but we can often prioritize working with one person at a time. And we can all find or create new circles for support that cost nothing.
These are my top tips. If you align with what I’ve shared here I know you will keep your resolutions. The bottom line for me is that the way we’ve been taught to go about creating change in our world is a lie. Few of us know the real infrastructure of how change works.
Isn’t it your turn? If it is, click the link below to learn more about working with me.